I'm a %#&@ mess! In tears on the plane.

I was sitting on a plane heading home from Boston after 4 days at my coach’s event. As I was sitting there I was filled with fear and apprehension. Tears welled up in my eyes. I am such a fucking mess! I am so good at helping others. I can hold the space to allow women to see the greatness inside of them, to connect with their gifts. I have the enthusiasm to move them into bigger, bolder action. So why can’t I do that for myself? The voices in my head are ruthless. They bring me to tears.

It’s so hard to tune out all the negative crap that runs nonstop from my inner critic. She is with me wherever I go. But if she gets the best of me she gets the best of my gifts, my talents and everything I can offer to the world.

As I sat there on that flight, I was reviewing all that transpired in those four days. All the inspiring ideas I had. The videos I wanted to record. The blogs I wanted to write. The bolder, gutsier moves I wanted to make.

Can I do it? Can I play a bigger game? A message my coach wanted the audience to hear was that we need to be vulnerable if we want to impact more people with our work. But I’m not as open as I used to be. I’ve built so many walls over the years. Can I let those walls down? And if I do what will people think when they figure out that I don’t have all the answers? That some days it’s hard to get out of bed? That I cry. I screw up. I doubt myself a lot.

But parts of me are strong. Parts of me are powerful. Parts of me are so freaking gifted and talented. Which way I sway varies from day to day.

I have decided I am committed. Committed to figuring out how to channel more of the best of me and minimize the messy parts.

Time to amp up my support system. Lucky for me I am married to a wonderful man. I have asked more from my friends. More support. More guidance (lucky for me my friends are coaches). More shoulder to cry on. I do invest in myself so I always have the support of a coach. I wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t.

I’m still scared. I’m still a mess. But I am determined. Determined to be my best. Determined to give my best.

However, I am choosing to make this an article. There’s no way in hell I’d make it through a video.

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